6:00 p.m

you can be scolded

hated

outcasted

beaten

robbed

murdered

loved

feared

wounded

pain is an overwhelming feeling however, that is why i know i can become stronger

-xo

interesting [5:30]

i keep falling in and out of liking people as if its a trend.

"alex, you play to much,"

"no i dont, you just dont play enough"

[8:58 p.m] realizations

i wont graduate on time, thats cool.

when you grow up a little bit of your heart dies, i want to be naive again

i want this world to be mine

i want every memory of you to go away

-xo

3:10 [a.m]

i honestly believe i dont need sleep anymore

or maybe not that much

day 1 with no sleep, lets see what happens when i crash

sometimes [5:04 p.m]

sometimes....

my heart is an idiot

i miss god

im barely here

i feel like i can stop anytime i want

it feels like i can forget everything with enough of the strong stugg

it hurts to know mike was always the first choice

i dont mind not being able to go back to being who i was

i forgive the man who raped me

i want to sleep and never wake up

my heart beats faster when i see her

i want to stand in the middle of the street

i cant wait to prove you all wrong

it seems as if youre avoiding me because you want me more then i want you

it gets frustrating not knowing what i want to do with my life

i feel out of place with my closest friends

being sad isnt a bad thing because i like the highs and lows

i wonder what it would be life if i fucked every person i could

i dont want to believe in god because im sick of disappointing him

i wish i had just one useful talent

i believe in my childhood dreams

it hurts that we havent hung out in 4 months

i hate this town but im afraid to leave 

i hate sex

for some reason, i know i will die young and it really doesnt scare me 

its nice being the weird quiet kid

the best secrets ive ever kept were hers

i wonder why i dont lie on the internet

it gets hard to think of the days when holding hands meant the world

i believe in perfect families when i see yours

it occurs to me that i cant possibly be adopted

it amuses me to admit the fact i will always love you

it feels as if i should tell people im not as smart as the world thinks i am

i lie to myself and say im over it (im not) 

im amused by the fact everyone thinks i want to change the world, i just want a comfy life (but it hurts to admit it)

i just want to be a good guy

i miss not being able to blame everyone else for my mistakes

i KNOW the butterflies are gone

i wonder what i would do if i had a time machine... cause i wouldnt kill hitler, warn anyone about stalin or meet muhammad, i would just tell you the truth

i wish was addicted to deadlier substances so i could blame them for being mean

im scared to admit im scared

deep down, it seems as if i am unworthy of a persons love

i hope you never forget me

then i remember myself

enjoy your new life

fuck you, i thought you were worth counting on

because i wrote a poem about how much i cared on a dollar bill, i hope one day it ends up in your wallet

2:54 a.m

inspiration strikes like a punch to the jaw

tell some secrets

i wish i had no secrets like everyone believes

my mother does drugs

her ex boyfriend raped me

im afraid of what comes after high school

it feels as if the past 4 months have ruined my life

i purposely avoid walking down the same route every night because it reminds me of my failures and shortcomings 

dad - i love you and forgive you. i wish i had the guts to tell you cause one day it'll be to late

if you would ever come back to me i would love you forever, actually i will either way (just from a distance)

the only reason i gave up on trying to kill myself is because people say i'll go to hell (and i dont want too)

no one wants to become a statistic as bad as i do

i love being here for you

ive been alive for 17 years, 4 months and 3 day and lonely for 15 of those

i pity you

i regret signing that contract

i hate that all i want to do is sleep and never wake up but closing my eyes is to hard

every smile i wore since december started has been fake

i wish being drug free didnt mean so much to me

and the biggest secret ever:

in my hands i hold a letter to you that i'll never send

i will spend the rest of my life wishing i had

8:36 p.m

how sad is it that im 17 years old and my boogeyman is actually memories of me an my ex girlfriend?

i hate december.

when you only have a hammer everything looks like a nail

running from cops

getting FUCKED UP

walking 5 miles to go hang out with her for an hour

running from the cops (again)

talking about ximena and ashley

then comparing ximena and claudia as far as attractiveness goes with steve...

this weekend has been a screenshot of what life will be if i succeed in dropping my contract and honestly it doesnt seem to bad...

-xo

[2:49 a.m]

i cant sleep 

i want a giga

i need to cut this shit out

im back, hating yourself is a trend i wont ever understand but it doesnt mean i dont miss what was once there

december is an everyday battle not to put myself to sleep and never wake up because every single day is a memory, every late night walk turns into a watch-the-traffic-while-teary-eyed event because im not the heartless sack of shit so many people think i am

hi, my name is alex and i hate the month of december

-xoxo

p.s on a brighter note, i think im being taken on a date tomorrow 

beautiful [10:19]

When the power of love overcomes the love of power that is truly when we can have peace

 -Jimi Hendrix 

i lost the ring "for it is plain as anyone can see, we are simply meant to be"

now it could be seen as a good thing cause carrying around that scar wasnt helping me any

bye bye xridethepainx did though

its ludicrous what makes me feel better

did i mention theres this girl ximena who makes those butterflies flap?

10:30 p.m

i have a very weird fucking way of coping with the world, and the funny thing is i dont mind it at all anymore.

things worth noting about today

1. i deleted ashley's cellphone number, holy shit i am really getting over her.

2. criseth is officially one of the coolest people EVER

3. steve and i have gotten closer by the day, that is one bro i refuse to lose contact with after high school

4. i gave ximena a bracelet i made from scratch and am now getting to know her...

sometimes i think its funny how much i rant about how i like this chick or that chick because crushes are little things that are fun to enjoy and play with, those kind of emotions are rarely long lasting. 

i retook the asvab and got a perfect score, so apparently for all my intellectual prowess i cant be bothered to really try in school or use proper grammar on the internet. its so much fun being me.

this is the most disorganized post of life.

i hope my plans work out this time around.

-xo