entry from the secret lj [12:23 p.m]

Winter is my absolute favorite season. Snuggles are encouraged and hoodies are practical. However, I've been led to believe that it causes me to feel super gloomy and lonely... even when I am with someone I absolutely love. No matter if I am surrounded by 1 person or 20 of the sweetest people alive I am in my own world. For the past few days I've found myself falling asleep in the late afternoon after sleepless marathons. I can't seem to mobilize myself and it seems like I can't bring myself to treat anyone how they deserve to be treated.

Ah, the curse of cold weather

Oh, the nervousness that someone will one day find this thing

It feels as if I've been cursed with an extremely nostalgic and reminiscent mind. Although I am constantly making new memories and sorta-kinda progressing I can't help but look back on my past with somber, feelings of attachment and feel a sense of melancholy so deep that I can actually taste it. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I value my past more than it may be worth at times. 

Theory: This could be why I constantly have to one up myself or why I never seem to get over the reality of break-ups. 

Anyway, I know I have this problem because the beautiful memories I share with some people don't seem to mean half as much to them as they do to me and I find this upsetting because it isn't gonna last forever. I don't think the issue is that they didn't enjoy themselves... I think that they are simply better at letting go than I am. 

There are certain people I KNOW would be surprised to hear that I still sincerly miss and think about them. I need a happy medium, one that recognizes change and has the ability to place a translucent boundry between what should be remain behind me and what I should carry on with. Writing is cathartic, the poison and fuel that brings me down and keeps me going but where is it gonna take me? Books, stories, sappy, cheesy, cliched fucking entries on a livejournal my ex's, enemies and detractors read. Why am I honest then? I think it's cause I need to know I can be.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been odd. I have absolutely no social energy. I've been ultra bored of people and their social antics. I've exausted myself attempting to catch up with everyone before I leave, which I will whether or not I go into the Marines. A part of me thinks that the real problem is that I dislike the idea of any of my friends as adults.... predictable, dull, suicidal, bitter, uninspired; adults. 

I'll get to the bottom of this. Promise