12:23 a.m

i give up on everything

girls

drugs

guys

games

life

next stop, cocaine

lawl

-xo

4:46 p.m

ive come to the conclusion last years thanksgiving was better.

by far

feel like a big brother with the R [9:32 a.m]

a year ago i could not have imagined life would be like this

how would i have suspected any of the surprises life had in store for me?

i am headed nowhere fast and its a good thing theres no one with me or id  be dragging them there with me.

- alex

12:58 a.m

ive come to the conclusion that she dumped me cause she started wanting him

thats cool

i never really had the shot

i never really had the game

i never really had the skills

i never really had the hope

of being the cool guy that gets the girl

im glad i had a a shot although i almost wish i hadnt so i wouldnt feel like this sometimes.

11:09

the song to break my heart tonight: oh girlfriend - weezer

thanksgiving

every year it seems like i spend holidays with completely different people

im dreading the thought that this thanksgiving wont top last years, it really needs too

i didnt get ahold of dani and didnt feel like growing the balls to ask xime to come over so the mayor usman, ozzy, and steve-o will be coming over.

im not looking forward to december. the memories.

<3

lulzy event in my life [9:02]

funny (and sadly, true)story...

like 3 months ago im sitting here staring blankly at the computer screen waiting for my porn to download when my theres a knock at the door and i hear "police, we're coming in." 

this being abba's apartment, i question the seriousness of the words and decide its bullshit. so i laugh and continue to stare intensely at the screen

all of sudden 4 cops bust in with guns drawn while im sitting here in front of this computer with a raging hard on and a shitty 56k video up on the screen. i guess someone called the cops saying they heard a woman yelling for help from the apartment. the volume off the speakers might have been a little too loud but i maintain that there was no real reason to call the five-oh. anywho, after a good sweep (while one cop kept an eye on me) they admired abba's impressive transformers collection and left. 

"alex, things kinda things only happen to you"

lies!

duh duh daaaamn

need to work on bringing my grades up.

bad.

i can do it, right?

-xo

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

a good talk [10:37 p.m]

livejournal and i are at the end of our relationship, i made what i think will be one of my last posts. 

the one where it ends badly with me not putting in any more effort...but i'll still read yours when you make new posts.

things have been surprisingly good and bad for you. maybe my absence is a good thing?

no one wants to read good news cause misery loves company...and thats what we write nowadays...and misery bores me, its not worth my effort anymore.

still crushing

and still writing it better then you've ever felt it

- rosado

p.s we talked and it wasnt horrible. i still dont hate you.

so you say you want honesty?

yes this is about you.

remember when i promised you that i would always be your friend forever?

remember when i kept keeping that promise even after you pushed me away again and again?

remember when you told me i meant nothing to you?

remember when you told me how much you loved someone else and expected me to be okay with it but mentioning i like dani flipped you off?

remember when i said "we are not friends anymore, sorry."?

it feels good to know you dont give a shit

cause you never really cared if you can let years of care go just like that.

or so i thought.

just like that i chased it away.

i refuse to hide behind the guilt of a broken promise, but a liberation of the fact i am stronger then you. 

you are the past. 

you are a shitty metaphor, thats what you've been reduced to. 

you are nothing more than a fuzzy memory getting fuzzier.

no, i dont remember our first kiss

no, i dont remember how you felt the first time we fucked

and no, i dont remember when you first told me you loved me.

 

i dont care to. 

strange how your name doesnt do it for me anymore. 

how you no longer come packaged with the butterflies that i now feel for someone else.

"alex, you're being a hypocrite. how can you just forget?"

i didnt, im forgetting 

"then how did the butterflies just leave?"

cause she never honestly earned them. 

you didnt deserve the kisses. 

you didnt deserve the praise. 

you didnt deserve long stares

you didnt deserve the late nights i drove to be your here

you didnt deserve the 3 a.m conversations

you didnt deserve the snuggles.

you didnt deserve me visiting you everyday, the little notes or any of the sacrifices. 
you didnt deserve to feel the way i made you feel. 

cause you never earned it.

cause you never appreciated it for what it was.

yes, this is to you. and yes, you are a disappointment.

entry from the secret lj [12:23 p.m]

Winter is my absolute favorite season. Snuggles are encouraged and hoodies are practical. However, I've been led to believe that it causes me to feel super gloomy and lonely... even when I am with someone I absolutely love. No matter if I am surrounded by 1 person or 20 of the sweetest people alive I am in my own world. For the past few days I've found myself falling asleep in the late afternoon after sleepless marathons. I can't seem to mobilize myself and it seems like I can't bring myself to treat anyone how they deserve to be treated.

Ah, the curse of cold weather

Oh, the nervousness that someone will one day find this thing

It feels as if I've been cursed with an extremely nostalgic and reminiscent mind. Although I am constantly making new memories and sorta-kinda progressing I can't help but look back on my past with somber, feelings of attachment and feel a sense of melancholy so deep that I can actually taste it. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I value my past more than it may be worth at times. 

Theory: This could be why I constantly have to one up myself or why I never seem to get over the reality of break-ups. 

Anyway, I know I have this problem because the beautiful memories I share with some people don't seem to mean half as much to them as they do to me and I find this upsetting because it isn't gonna last forever. I don't think the issue is that they didn't enjoy themselves... I think that they are simply better at letting go than I am. 

There are certain people I KNOW would be surprised to hear that I still sincerly miss and think about them. I need a happy medium, one that recognizes change and has the ability to place a translucent boundry between what should be remain behind me and what I should carry on with. Writing is cathartic, the poison and fuel that brings me down and keeps me going but where is it gonna take me? Books, stories, sappy, cheesy, cliched fucking entries on a livejournal my ex's, enemies and detractors read. Why am I honest then? I think it's cause I need to know I can be.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been odd. I have absolutely no social energy. I've been ultra bored of people and their social antics. I've exausted myself attempting to catch up with everyone before I leave, which I will whether or not I go into the Marines. A part of me thinks that the real problem is that I dislike the idea of any of my friends as adults.... predictable, dull, suicidal, bitter, uninspired; adults. 

I'll get to the bottom of this. Promise

some facts about alex you might not know

1. he would willingly risk the total collapse of the worlds ecosystem to kill every fly and spider in existence

2. he wants someone to actually give him flowers

3. he really wants someone to tell him "no," with a legit reason

4. he wants people to realize he only writes when sad or extremely happy

and he's got a date with the cutest girl on earth

<3

wow

i was listening to the song moments rewound by veda

its a track ive been in love with for over a year now, it was one of those songs that breaks my heart

putting it on is always a masochistic thing for me to do cause i KNOW it will hurt

but it didnt do shit

heartache? no

i just realized i dont like the melody or the lead singers voice

honestly, there's nothing but the lyrics ive ever liked

"alex, if you really cared about me you'd stay in line. get good grades, get a diploma and do something with yourself"

maybe, but guess what?

that line has taken you nowhere fast, which is perfect cause thats precisely where youre headed

youre a shitty metaphor 

and a shittier memory

- dando

love

evan was here

we bonded

i love you evan

and i have a crush on this silly girl daniela

and i have an obsession with holding hands and heartbreak

i love bad music

i love my bad sense of fashion

did i mention i love holding hands?

im so much closer to being me then i have ever known

<333333333333333333333333

first time he got he slipped

We go together like, the original and the sequel
This is the end of the trilogy, ya feelin’ me?

<3

p.s its 7:21, this thing is 3 hours ahead

the stockholm theatre

fool me once, shame on me
fool me twice and youre dead to me

i dont wanna see or think about anyone else but her 

lost it last night

but i'll find it by tomorrow

swear it wont happen again though

but i lie all the time cause you deserve it dont ya?

dear everyone,

i used to be better.

erase me.
erase this.

smiles will blur all the lines and bend the image enough to make it tolerable.
these are the kinda dreams that strangles you to sleep. 

not before the click of the light right before you fall asleep sufficently burns the pictures of murder and lies deep enough to never forget.
never forget.
this is me.
more than ever.

from

the kid i used to be

a few things ive learned

-stealing is the great equalizer.
-everyone should get their chance to suck at life...and usually do.
-cartoons will always be better when im young.
-if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck...its probably a duck...unless its me, GODDAMN IM FRESH
-you'll never be as good as you want to be. 
-your kids will not be as cool as you are. 

honest 

i am so stoked

time to be honest

youknowiwantyou

crushes are funny

so is my bad luck

<3 

alex

and now i get it, the kids truly ARE fucked.

im a lucky piece of shit

to have this life is a blessing is i dont deserve

i wish...

i wish...
a wish for a queen, trustworthy friends and great health.

if dont write about you its because you're not worth it anymore.

no more regrets. 
not over someone like you.

its moments like these where i have never owed more to you all

i am what you make me, arent it?

its almost as if we are all given X amount of potential to use throughout life and i expended it ALL in the wrong places

i guess you could call life, much like love, a game

but im to far in just to hit the reset button

what the hell do you know about living?

plus, each and every one of you forgot something very important

youre a bunch of pussies

how to word it?

you were a waste of time

years of my life

fuck you

fuck you

fuck you forever

from what i hear its happening now anyways

my friends were right

youwereawasteofmyfuckingtime

you are a regret

you are a mistake

you are a disappointment

you should thank your lucky stars that everything i wish for will never come true 

cause when i go i will forget everything about you

its funny how badly i want to stop wishing for so many things but wont

im just a footnote in your life

youre just proof that god has a sense of humor

<4

nice

interesting couple of days

the time is passing relatively quick

talked to katrina

attempted to flirt

still got it ^.~

talked to claudia who cheered me up

and to criseth who kept me company most of the day

while i was at an auto show with my father and brother

everyday i open my eyes at 5 and stare at my phone till 5:45 

when it doesnt ring i whisper "traitor"

ive gotten really good at shackling the holes in my wall

<3

i cant even think of words anymore.

"why do you fight then?"

cause not throwing punches makes me numb and lethargic. 

it leaves me feeling tired, cranky and inconsistent. 

fistfightthiskeyboardcauseithasnthelpedmeasinglefuckingtime

im going to car show tomorrow with my father and brother if it kills me

if only to get back a taste of what my life used to feel like.

when the world was my fucking oyster parasites and all good sirs and madams

if anything this should show you that its all worth it.
every second.
now get out and fuck.
but you were always too fucking stupid.
and ive cried for your lives.
many times.



i wish could bully god and make him fuck you with life. 

internet tyranny brought me fame [the ljay rants of infamy]

from Bill Moyers:
"I had hoped we would learn from experience. Two years ago, prior to the invasion of Iraq, I said on the air that Vietnam didn't make me a dove; it made me read the Constitution. Government's first obligation is to defend its citizens. There is nothing in the Constitution that says it is permissible for our government to launch a preemptive attack on another nation. Common sense carries one to the same conclusion: it's hard to get the leash back on once you let the wild dogs of war out of the kennel. Our present Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has a plaque on his desk that reads, "Aggressive fighting for the right is the noblest sport the world affords." Perhaps, but while war is sometimes necessary, to treat it as sport is obscene. At best, war is a crude alternative to shrewd, disciplined diplomacy and the forging of a true alliance acting in the name of international law. Unprovoked, "the noblest sport of war" becomes the slaughter of the innocent."

its some ridiculous shit that

people dont truly appreciate the power they wield

every dollar you spend

evrey action you make

is a shout to the world of what you believe is permissible

"but alex, you're joining the army"

ya, do yo know why?

cause im sick and tired of people in our generation whining without even fucking attempting to change anything.

"why is shit this fucked up?" = why wont someone change this for me

"fuck america" = i have no clue how to make things different but i wish i did (or, im to dumb to have my own opinion)

stop blaming

stop pointing fingers

step the fuck up to plate and change what you think is wrong

make things right

MAN THE FUCK UP

or just sit on the side complaining

- rosado

ghetto colloquial would be "blaaazed"

Becoming single was my best pick of 2008. No pain, just love.

I'm on my bed, remembering about your hatred, and, darling, I can say that I've never felt so good being alone.

There's no such thing as "No matter what happens, I'll still be there."

• Nov. 14th, 2008 at 2:36 AM
afi_sts

saddest

most angry

upset thing i have ever read before

and the saddest thing is i can relate to this

crushing on like 3413572138941234123 girls

which is really only 4

seems like a big number though in comparison to my past record

alex 0-3

i guess it never really mattered

the crushes i mean

cause whats really worth noting (what matters)

is who it is

i love keeping you in suspense

wheres the next swing coming from

wheres it headed

she has concrete eyes full of FUCKYOUS

my nancy spudgen with a rust covered heart

slowly chipping away at the rage, bitterness and past regrets to reveal the amazing girl beneath it all

i wish i knew this girl (or could admit i did)

i'll let you know when i get her

songs of the night" moments rewound (by veda), wishes (by superchick),  bleed american (jimmy eat world), dateless for armageddon (by 2*sweet), i dont care (fall out boy)

time to say my last good night

<3

this is me at 12:51 a.m

my life is a like a alot like... well, my life.

im always one check away from either being homeless or having an excess of money. 

at this point, i believe im doomed to this life. 

i may just be entirely with this.

but onto what matters

i am more dangerous than anyone but ozzy expected.
words hurt more than you could comprehend.
than your trite highschool poems of longing could ever imagine.

ink and paper replaced fists for me in 7th grade but just because im more inclined to throw a punch nowadays then have a conversation does not mean ive forgotten the scary powers that belong to these fingertips

fuck with me

i am fully conscious of my power and its potential.
go for it

its a whole new day.

you dont want none of this.

this is fleeting and futile.
this is the moment our hearts heave and cave for.
this is the line only you get in the movie.
these are the seconds between when the spit leaves your lips and when it hits the ground.
this is what your parents wish they could teach you to appreciate about life.
this is you learning on your own.
this is lumps in the throat.
this is choking back a good cry.
this is letting the magic become you.
this is feeling up the moment.
these are the moments when your body subconsciously wakes you up to the most profound scene in the movie.
this is waking up to and realizing it was just a dream, the most beautiful girl in the world is NOT sleeping on your shoulder.

this is me thanking god for giving me the strength to always try to live my dream

with 

or without

you.

you disappointment to everyone

this is me wishing i wasnt thinking

this is me getting ready to wash my dirty balls (fuck eloquence)

havent showered since the 10th

this is me wanting to go to sleep

-<3

excuse me sir, what's that you dropped? "my past"

ashley woke me up

shes back to being the human alarm clock

the nostalgia

but onto what matters

i do not like what i am capable of

its got ahold of this rusteh heart and no matter what i do it wont let go

the difference i suppose is in how you act

will you walk around, dead inside

rotten to the core

accepting your fate?

or will you fight every waking moment

with every heart beat

every breath you take

just to say you did?

i can tell her i tried

im trying

you say its pointless but what the FUCK have you ever done?

its funny that god takes all the credit but none of the blame

a fairy tale that is never coming true

been listening to the same song for 50 minutes

its called wishes by superchic[k]

perfect description

honesty must pour out of her pores

talked to evan

galban

david

and i really wish i didnt have these doubts

or wondered what youre doing

if you ever think about me

what you think

do you hate me?

love me?

you. are. a. disappointment.

and at this junction i dont give a shit

heartaches and head cases

crushing on people is interesting

so is trying to not love someone

on the upside of love(lessness), life and regret though

i might just be getting a sidekick lx

honestly i'm looking forward to being able to update my status on i am

passing the time with full metal alchemist

looking on aim and wondering if i should bother her

nah

she wouldnt want me too

hurts

cant get it out of my head

even if it was my idea

i wonder if she ever thinks about me

nah

- xo 

terrible no good very bad day

horrible dream woke me up

i cried and puked

cleaned up my puke

then puked more and cleaned that too

ruined my mothers birthday

fought with ash (who im talking to now)

miss that chick alot

trying to play the good guy

the good friend

the good... ex?

it hurts you know

having to rebuild this friendship from scratch

nothing worth having ever came easy

eat breakfast, read

I wonder what you're doing right now.

Maybe eating pamcakes?
Perhaps you guys went out to Denny's
You could have slapped yourself in your chair and be playing WoW right now

Miss talking to you everyday
Miss calling you a friend


You need to lose me, you will be better for it

I won't

-xo

a quick wit and the fists to back it up

as a birthday present i gave ozzy some of my most prized possessions

a ps2 bagley gave me

a controller ashley gave me 

along with a memory card (that contained at least 150 hours of my life)

katamari damcy

kingdom hearts

all 3 of the metal gear collection i had amassed 

one of the hitman games

midnight club

my generosity shocked me

but now that im alone

my wrists are sore from playing guitar

my tummy full of food

and my feeling of loneliness despite the fact daveys here means something

i didnt give him that to be nice

i did it for a selfish reason

i got rid of gifts from people that i miss

and turned them into ones someone will cherish

so what if its fucked up in principle

ozzy loved it and thats what fukcing counts

- dando

okay, THIS is the last post for 10 days

testing 

testing

1 

2

1

2

next month today

REPTAR occured

funny memory

"it's 9:10, youre late!"

doesnt concern me to much

ive got priorities

ash is good at drawing

amazing

and i want her to build me a miniature miami so i can burn it to the ground

let her build a scale model of pro player stadium so i can fuck that up to 

ive got a craving for disaster

its the world versus me

its gonna be a kill

the world doesnt have shit on someone with a heart like mine

-xo

p.s last post for 10 days

it is 12:01 a.m the 6th of november

come to think of it, almost every person i know has disappointed me at some point...
so why do people refer to me as a 'pessimist' when i am cautious with my trust?

you call it 'pessimism', i call it 'realism'.

you know, i would just fucking love to go on a rant about how i cant trust people or how my faith in people has taken a serious dive, but at this point, im all screamed out. to tired, to sick, to apathetic. i just dont have the same fire in my lungs and fingers i once did in that month forever ago called july. 

ironic, because now i actually have the capability of expressing myself. 

ive just grown tired and weary from holding my breath.


that is gods grand irony.

and my epiphany

love youuuu (sadly)

<3

best lyric ever

If it was just you and me
This world could end tomorrow
We'd walk through fire and flame
And hold on tight cause we know
It wasn't all in vain
We touched the stars and made them rain
Just you and me

chorus to dateless for armageddon by 2*Sweet

what were you doing when obama won?

eating a parfait

thinking about ashley and dani

realizing i can have neither

congratulations america

<3

oh blogspot

who reads this thing

really

my aim is alexprag

my msn is themeteorbaby@aol.com

let me know you give a shit

cause right now

im hurting my soul to try and keep it together

im falling apart

less then 7 months

so...

its been over a month now that me and ash are done

the reality is there 

and for the first time, im totally cool with it

id love to go out to day but i doubt i will

ive only been on this "move forward" crusade for about 2 days

but the songs helping me include:

my typical angel - the rocket summer

redemption song - bob marley

world - sick puppies

waiting - green day

a scared girl called me yesterday

begged me for some advice

for some company

so i walked to her house wondering why i was going

and she cried

and cried

screamed how the world was unfair

she punched me

kicked me a couple times

then just sort of collapsed in my arms

she gave ma a kiss on the cheek about a half hour later

said i was amazing

then asked me why i wasnt dating anyone

i shrugged

she laughed "theyre either gay or youre losing your touch"

waving i stepped out her apartment and started walking home

i never spoke a word at her house

truth be told i wasnt even in the room

the neighborhood

the country

my mind was racing a mile per second

and my curiousity was keeping pace

small questions like

"whos your bestfriend?"

"are you ready to leave... alone?"

"adulthood is right around the corner, prepared?"

"do you love anyone?"

"still planning on running from your problems?"

nicole, ozzy, davey and evan are my best friends

i am not ready to leave but i accept its coming closer everyday

no, but even i i thought i was id be wrong

yes, the love is there and it wont be leaving anytime soon

dont you get it, i AM the problem?

so its 10:25 a.m

im the happiest ive ever been

thinking about the future

the past

and the filthy, fury, and frenzy that will come to me

youre gonna miss me one day

<3

it's all powered by ATP!

So I'm in ap bio
Sleepy
Sore

Wrestled with Juan AND Bernie
Was fucking epic, I won all three matches

Now I'm thinking about my fight
Worried Ozzy will move
Super sick
And still loving my life so much right now

Currently: laughing with Jorge and Usman, listening to Jammin by Bob Marley and thinking of a special someone

<3
[Life is good]

and they love it

Yesterday I fell in love with me
Which is to say
I stoppd hating myself

I walked for hours
Visited parts of miami I've never seen before
Walked near Ash's old condo

Spilled secrets to streets I've never been on
While trading them with Dani

I don't love Ashley anymore
As a matter of fact, I would go as far as t say I'm over her

But the relationship we had
The one that was as much a part of me as my arms and legs

THAT'S what I miss

-xo

oh the irony

Once again,
Exactly like last year
I sat with a girl and did NOTHING.

Although this time
It was by choice

I went to Kat's party
Meh
Danced
Laughed
Flirted with mass amounts of people, none of which were younger then me (yay!)

I'm trying to be a good boyfriend (this time around)

Not only did I not make out with anyone
I didn't keep a single fucking phone number
AND I kept my hands ro myself

With the walk home being so lovely
Caught in the rain and everything
I fell in love with late light walks all over again

Not to mention having music to listen too!
Chinh lent me an mp3 player
So I have something to use that will make the long walks pass quicker

Sweet

- alex