in the rules of creation

Listening to jammin
Tired
Sick
Lovestruck

Wondering why I blow up so much
Why I'm so angry all the time

Think Ash had a point though
Even if she completely sold me out over reasons yet to fully explained

Here's to hoping this is my best Halloween ever
Cause last years was amazing

Oh the nostalgia

-xo

in the rules of creation

Listening to jammin
Tired
Sick
Lovestruck

Wondering why I blow up so much
Why I'm so angry all the time

Think Ash had a point though
Even if she completely sold me out over reasons yet to fully explained

Here's to hoping this is my best Halloween ever
Cause last years was amazing

Oh the nostalgia

-xo

it's conversations that break your heart

"Why'd you love her Frodo?"

"It was the way her mouth moved, pushing out sins and I love you's that drove me from infatuation to love. You could say the walking on a clouds sensation should have faded along with the wonderment but to the dismay of my rusted heart, she was and is still my oasis. She pushed through the halls and spilling out "ad infinitum", her hair smelled of smoke and puppy and her soul had been beaten my the misgivings and put downs of a druggie mom and dad... but in the end she was mine Ozzy. All mine."

hell ya I'm confused for sure

When you are angry
And alone
And afraid
And bored
Your sights aren't calibrated for shit

So I aimed
And I fired

Didn't hit any of the right targets

I'm hitting
My mom
My friends
Myself

Can you believe I treated Natalie like complete shit?

I break names and hearts on a daily basis now, wonder when I became capable of doing that.

-xo

life is good

Everyday we don't talk my day ends up the shittier then the day before, and since we never talk everyday feels like the shittiest day in my life.

The irony is
This is the happiest I've ever been

I'm in the best shape ever

-xo

being a better person

"its 10:21 alex! why arent you in school?!"

super late

passed out

woke up

got dressed

updated lj

twitter

and now blogspot

"wow, not in much of a rush, eh alex?"

no, i am actually, shocking i know.

moms just takin glong (im not walking to school in this weather)

but quick introspective statement

im trying to be a better person

its a hard thing to do

requires precise, graceful movements

my methods are a bit clumsy

like trying to perform open heart surgery with a sledgehammer

or take an apple off someones head with a hand grenade

i wish i could live off good intentions

and any form of attention

if i spent as much time on fixing myself as i did thinking about the past

or thinking of metaphors

id be a fucking saint, wouldnt i?

- xo

coasting on bottled sunlight

It's been such an epic day

So-so for day for classes
Pretty good lunch time
Chill ass end of the day

Then I go to taco bell
Pick a fight
Won
Left taco bell cause the po-po showed

And bumped into Daniela.
It was awesome

Nervous
Shy
And the whole nine yards

She's a total cutie pie

Man, I crush on girls easy
I know and accept this

But she's the only one who gets them butterflies uh-flapping

- rosado

the sad truth

ive never really been to good at anything

never bad at anything in particular

a jack of all trades is the term, at least i think so

dropping hearts

breaking names (and faces) like its my job

i bought a crystal ball and it was a waste of cash

looking into it i see only into the past

and amusingly enough the image is blurry and slightly out of focus

i am one of those kids your mother warned you about

im the kid who calls just as youre getting over him

people like me are the little notes with motives

i am the sloppy make-outs and their bad intentions

and its nothing new

i push it harder

it feels alot like being murdered and surviving

but its not all bad

honest

i just write when im not happy

its cathartic

its my poison

put myself out there

heart on my sleeve

building a thicker skin and a lesson worth learning

turn off the tv (and my brain)

thinking this hard hurts me soul

and i love it

wonder what color g_d is gonna paint the sky today?

-xoxo

it 7:54, i should be sleeping not thinking

ive disappointed absolutely everyone who ever tried for me

depression is best left to the professionals (it feels that way)

but ive always liked challenges

step up to plate

take a swing

miss

at least i tried

<3

deep thoughts at a mormon church (ha)

If I told you I identified with self-loathing poetry, you probably wouldn't believe me.

If I told you I keep more secrets then I want you'd probably laugh and say "Alex, you don't have the discipline."

If I told you how I obsessed over leaving
you'd probably call me a hypocrite.

No matter how much I try to lie and write myself out of the hole I've dug myself into there comes a point where I realize I'm lower then where I started out.

Sometimes it feels as if the cowards way out is the best way out of all of this.

A regime change is coming

These are the desperate strokes of a boy at the deep end of the pool
Reaching out for the edge

And missing

Nothing can take away this pain
I guess time can heal these wounds
If you love yourself enough

-xo

late night thoughts (and lifetime consequences)

It's been really cool.

A trip to orlando with my best friend
And a visit to an amusement park

Scary
But cool

Texted Criseth most of the night
Plenty of memories
A few pictures
Not to mention bad ass stories

I only screamed 3 times
Amazing, right?

The best parts however
Occured once we got back

Deep talk about
Life
Love
Sex
Money
Army
Ash
Criseth
Nico
Nikki
Me

And talks of another trip in December

Then when everyone goes to sleep
I stay up and outside
Alone
Phone dead
Cig in hand

The thoughts pour like rain

I can't tell the future
And you know what?
I don't even care anymore.

Cause a long talk with myself has been more satisfying then with anyone in months

I will leave July 2nd, 2009
With a highschool diploma
Dignity
And my fucking memories

No one stands a chance against me
Cause this is MY movie

Even if I couldn't effect the beginning
I'll decide the ending
Along with all the tidbits in between

-xo

amazing

This trip has been awesome
And we're not even in Orlando yet

It's amazing man

Everytime I talk her
I fall a little more
Each time I think of you
It's get a little easier to ignore you

Who knew it could be this easy?
Easy being a relative term

Deep conversations left and right
With my extremely awesome mix cd's

Yeaaaah

-xo

to close to the truth

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

nah

just kidding

dude

i need to find some other webcomic

<3

so sorry

I know I wasn't an easy person to love
And I never made it any better with my attitudes

Looking forward to tomorrow
It'll be the first time I go to a park
Excited is an understatement

For the first time in since last month
I'm satisfied
Happy
Completely content with my lot

And I think it's because of a song
Say Yes - Elliot Smith

It's been one whole month since we broke up

And I'm picking up the pieces
You so callously threw around

<3

just to give you an idea of what'll happen on Halloween

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

well

not exactly

but you catch my drift

right?

- rosado

we all make mistakes

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

youre one of mine

my most well kept secret

thats not so secret

for almost 9 months

your body was an orchestra

i was the conductor

of every moan

every scream

every time you kiss someone else

remember i was there first

cause im fucked up like that

say my name

then says his

tell me something

whos tastes better?

-xo

its funny how not funny it is

flirt

flirt 

flirt

new loves left and right

all in the hopes of forgetting the old one

im gonna go to hollywood horror nights instead of having a party

i think its a good trade

time with my bestfriend > getting drunk/high/sex

its ridiculous how smooth i can be (apparently)

minimum of 3 girls in every class

and the countless phone numbers gained in casual conversation 

in hallways

or at the counter of cvs

its funny

cause there really arent many girls worth chasing after

only a couple seem worth the effort

one in particular

well 2

-xo 

i think the internet term would be 'lawl'

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

nah

i wish

the downside to not being a fan of the casual make out

or the casual fuck

is that my balls fill up

and since im a (relatively) nice guy who hates the concept of fuck buddies

nothing for me to do but look at porn

or exercise

OR BOTH!?

-xo

no way to start the morning

Everyday I stumble through the back entrance of American and get hit on by the same 2 girls.

Then I go through the motions

But I don't try
With school work
With girls
Or with friends really

Almost as if someone hit the pause button

I'm turning apathy into a science
Sizing people up into a sport
And beating people up into a recreational activity

Almost lost a fight this morning
I hate getting into fights
It's actually the 10 seconds before and after a fight that I'm in love with

Cause the adrenaline burns out any thoughts of her

-xo

life sucks, then you die

Can't sleep
Don't really want too

Either my dreams are horrible and I can't go back to bed
Or they're so beautiful I wish I hadn't opened my eyes

Every now and then the real world is a dissapointment

Nikki and I had an amazing conversation
It was about whether or not we could just leave it all
Jump into our favorite movie
Our favorite game
Our favorite anime
Etc.,

And we both agreed we would do it in a second

Spend the rest of our lives in a universe of our choosing with EACH OTHER?!

Perfect

But...
We'd lose a lot

There are people I would hate to leave
My friends
My family

Ash...

We laughed tons at the thought of leaving
Somehow I doubt I would stay here

A whole new world
A whole life ahead of me
With one of my best friends ever

It would be amazing

Maybe one day I will be able to make decisions and not look back...
But until then I'm living the life of full of the safest kind of danger

I would willing give it all up for the chance to go back 12 months and 20 days so I could have a whole day to think about what I was getting myself into

I don't regret it
But fuck if it didn't make things difficult

Currently: watching Noein, missing Ash, waiting to slip into a dream world worth staying in

-xo

an open letter

dear alex

what happened to you man

you had so much potential

great girl

great friends

great life

and you fucked up

from your pompous attitude

to your self righteous bullshit

you are the very definition of infectious human waste

because when you had the shot to be better

when you couldve been what you were meant to be

you bailed

you are your very own worst kept secret

and your own biggest mistake

sincerely, 

the man you could have been

if you're looking for love better put those hands up

Kicked out
But totally okay (mostly)

Ash is slowly sliding back into my life
Whether as a friend or more is to be seen

Loogie and I are staying friends.

I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a while.

I want to see them now:
Obailu who I ditched for Brenda
Brenda who let me run her body but went out and fucked people all the time
Katrina who was only attractive cause she was my ex's bestfriend
Odalys who made the world seem like it was full of bottled sunlight

And Ashley.
I have her to thank for everything

My self-esteem
My sexual self-confidence
My extreme loyalty

I wnna be a well-rounded human being without any of these odd, out of place, knotty lumps of rage, guilt, and self-disgust.

What do I wanna do when I see them?
No clue. Just talk.

I'd love to phone them up
Say good luck, good-bye
And then they'd feel good
And I'd feel better

We'd ALL be good, and that would be great.

-xo

this is it, take a breath

Just counting down the days till I crack
I give it 2 months tops

Slap on a smile and take one for the team!


Going to the Harvest Festival at Tech
With Mari as a date
And Nikki as my wing man

I hope I'll see Ashley...
Whome I given up on

And did I mention I need to collect physical tokens of these days going by?

-xo

p.s someone please save me from me

all the money in the world don't make it painles

I type this while lying down on the floor
2 feet away Evan sleeps under the table
Chinh and Snider are sharing one couch
Daisy and Ozzy sharing my bed upstairs
Nico and Nikki woulda done something similar if they hadn't had to leave

And I'm here
All alone

Ozzy asked me if I like my life
"Ya, most of the time"
But as far as when it comes to the bad parts...

Broke edge.
Over a fucking chick.

The harder I try to erase you from my life
The more you seem to stain it

Personally
I've never understood the concept of a life being cool for sucking
As far as stupid trends that on is up there with live goldfish in platform shoes (real)

I miss Ash so much
If she'd been here
It woulda been perfect

Ups and the downs
The sames and the changes
If she's not here it don't mean shit
It's not that it hurts though

Being numb makes it painless

-xo

and they love it

yesterday something horrible happened

one of the foundations of my life came down in on itself

yesterday was a day that got progressively shittier

it goes down as one of the worst in my life

yesterday was a day of fights

punches thrown

words flinged out

yesterday

i tried to stop loving ashley

or at least started

because around 8 o'clock 

i found out that the only people in my family who ever gave a shit

who were ever around

who never stopped caring

who taught me things like how to fish and tie my shoes

all died

and hanging myself up

planning the end of it all

for someone who just doesnt give a shit

is not the way i wanna be remembered.

it would be a lie to say shes not worth it

but it wouldnt be the truth to say i dont care

-xo

funny funny nah

Same shit different day

Fists up
Hope down

Currently sitting on the floor in Party City with Ozzy
Wondering why I let bitches steal my light.

Um.
Now that Ozzy stormed out in a rage I'm gonna go get him.

Fist fights are the only way I know can release this kinda tension.

-xo

the many phases

I've done so many awesome things in my life

DRUG-FREE dboy
Bass player
Card stealer
Electronics repairman
Tutor
Blogger
Fighter
Skater

And all of it comes to nothing really
Just memories

You were always just a door for me
A door that appeared so I could dissapear
That's some shit isn't it

I keep trying to erase you
But you're written down in ink

Fighting is my coping mechanism
In those 2-15 minutes I'm fucking fre
You don't exist
The contract doesn't exist
Dropping out isn't a worry

Just breathing
Circling
Picking my punched
Takedowns
Blows to body to shrug off
Punches to the face to push through

I spent all day today skipping
Chilled with ozzy, daisy, and some peoples

And it always, always, always comes to the thought of you... and if I'm willing to not lie to myself, him.

-xo

p.s listen quietly while reading this and you'll hear my heart breaking.

plans (fucked)

I'm not naive enough to believe this ended my life
But it certainly fucked it hard.

Plans for the future?
Fight more
Drop out
Move into an apartment with ozzy.

Awesome
(Not really)

All over a girl.
So worth it.

-xo

no retreat. no regrets

Love is all right for those who can handle the emotional load. Imagine trying to carry a bag full of roses and rocks on your back through a rushing river filled with pirhannas.

-xo

all day non stop

from the moment i woke up

to the downloading of spore (thanks nikki)

to the shower

to the half-finished masturbation session

you were on my mind

and him

this is depressing

i was gonna go see a play until i learned that he was going too

its not that id pick a fight (although i probably would)

its that i cant stand the thought (let alone the sight) of you being happier with someone else

burns like fire

cuts like a razor

someonehelpmerealizethatthisisnttheend

pullthetriggerandpaintthewallswithmybrains

alwaysforyouashalwaysforyou

-xo

[3:26] i laughed for all the wrong reasons

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

oh, and i realized the timing issue.

the post time is 3 hours and 1 minute behind

XD

to much time on my hands

12:55

I keep forgetting about the fact the time is wrong.

So, updating from the sidekick on a couch.

List of things happening to me
­ cancer came back
­ found out Ash still loves me
­ so close to giving up

Stayed home, took a personal day cause I'm sick and pretty fucking down.
Talked to a couple people via text message

When I opened my eyes this morning you were the first thing to go through my mind.

Supposed to go see Ash at her school today but she left home early

Lie? Not sure.

Hahaha, you can always tell when I'm updating off the sidekick cause of all the capitalization and proper grammar.

- xo

how to deal

i have some incredibly unorthodox coping mechanisms

actually, at this moment, its just stupid.

sick.

so tired.

so hurt.

today i am gonna go see ashley

and my heart will break

then we will talk and either our friendship ends

or i find out i can get her back

there was a moment when my eyes just stopped

and 

and

and

and

and

and

and

and

and

i realized no one gives a shit

cause the earth doesnt stop spinning when you get dumped.

damn you earth.

-alex

long story short

ive never cried so hard.

i thought it hurt before...

but wow.

-xo

um. something i just noticed

the times the thing posts when i update is ENTIRELY WRONG.

it's 1:54 a.m, my last post has been up for like 30 seconds

but it says i put it up at 10:47

all the times are wrong.

fucker.

i'll start putting the time in the title and endings of posts

1:55

fuck you blogspot.

i could never be a taoist

i dont care about whats happening right now

not in the fucking least

what worries me is the future

i live in the past

weird, right?

sorta got me in this position in the first place.

maybe i should take some of my own god damn advice

i miss you so much

its a recurring theme in my life at the moment

just got home from a 40 minute walk

the sky was beautiful, no clouds in the sky and a full moon

and right up until david called (and during, then after) all i thought about was how we used to walk around my

block holding hands, talking shit, picturing our family that would one day be...

we've decided (meaning me and ozzy, ozzy and i) that the tattoo will be put on the same day as my fight

and that david and jaime will be the ones to do them

anyone wanna show up to the fight and cheer me on? itd be really nice of you.

and i dont think to many people are gonna be there for the tatting up of me AND ozzy 

hes getting street rat done on his back while i get monstrosity on my stomach

im sick

coughs suck

and so do colds

and fevers

and stds while we're on the topic

-xo

amusing

i think the term is mind fuck, but i could be wrong.

oh, dude.

im so tired.

so very tired

of being tired

thinking about you

all the time

the difference between looking back and moving can be seen right now

with me flipping through old lj entries looking for your name

thinking of the time i wasted making those updates when i shouldve been with you

the rereading of old posts you made talking about loving me forever

almost bursting into tears cause you dont feel that way anymore

no its not the end of the universe but a part of me wishes that it was

believe it or not,

this is me growing up.

step by step

one day i will end up flipping through these entries too

wondering where the time, love and effort went

and laughing at the fact i wasted time doing this shit (updating) instead of homework

i have projects

papers

other useless shit i just dont care about

cause i want you, not the diploma.

-xo

i guess this is growing up

held my mom just now while she cried

there was nothing to say

"you'll be gone soon, what will i do without you?"

and as the tears fall right now im wondering

what am i gonna do without her?

my bestfriend dont want shit to do with me

regardless of how hard i try

no matter what i do

what i say

how i say it

for the muscle im building

and the stubborn core driving this machine

its all useless cause i cant push away what really matters.

i couldnt hold onto ash

i wasnt able to keep aron alive

i have failed at everything ive ever given myself entirely too

fuck.

im about as useful as a paper cut

and about as wanted

-xo

taking a mental health day

man, today was just to hard.

so stressful.

dude, vlady fucked wong-sam up.

didnt hang with nat but had hardcore chill time with some homies

and i am getting a tattoo soon.

one word, across my tummy

MONSTROSITY

-xo

sweet hang outs

i think that im more honest on this then lj

dunno why

maybe cause no one reads it

or maybe cause i like the idea of a fresh start

the hangout at main was awesome

even if the work out before it was fucking killer

excellently sloppy make outs

tons of weird photos

plenty of laughter and memories that will soon be forgotten.

bumped into a bunch of tech kids like ben and chris

froze like a deer caught in headlights

"do they hate me?"

the hugs and smiles that appeared soon proved that wrong

oh, wrote a killer ballad on pulling out

you were on my mind the whole time i was writing it

gotta be up in a couple hours to walk my ass to ozzy's house for training

and to watch a fight

it is gonna be fucking awesome

-insert sigh here-

i miss you

just needed to get that outta the way

updated the lj, straight to the blogspot (need to get me one of them "lives")

So I sat down and had a talk with a chick I barely know and she made me realize something.

I tend to define myself by my relationships.

See Ash, even if I got together with her today and get everything I secretly want (but wont admit to desiring) and we sort out all of our shit doesn't mean I will be fixed.

I've got other fears, ambitions and goals.

I [don't] know what kind of life I want
I can't beging to imagine the sort of house that my family would want to live in
The amount of money I'll have in 6 years (or 6 months)

There's no epiphany really
No "holy shit, I've figured it out," rant

What happened between us isn't the whole story, hardly the ending. I suppose with enough time I would've worked that out myself.

I now (sorta) understand that just because I go all cold and icky around the edges when thinking about doesn't mean you (or anyone else) do[es].

i cant sleep

i could update lj but this seems like a nice idea too

i should be sleeping

got some insane training today

things on my mind

- ashley

- ashley

- ashley

-ashley

- ashley

fine line between persistence and harassment

her amused laugh said i was walking it pretty well

you know, october 2nd wasnt as hard as i thought it would be

knowing that i still love her is a bit uncomfortable

understanding that nothing with nat can possibly go past highschool is comforting

wierd

moving in with ozzy at the end of this year (or at the start of the next)

ive got the bedroom set and shit so that wont be a huge deal

and i gotta start putting cash to the side.

blargh man, blargh.

i have a horrible sore throat.

but if i bitch

ozzy will just punish me with more sauna training.

scary enough i have to spar with him today.

-xo

just before sleepy time

halloween is coming soon, and my muslim ass just got all up on my costume.

ufc fighter, ozzy said he loves the irony.

hes gonna buy me the shorts and shit

which should be cool, im never gonna fight in any other shorts

i'll admit im nervous

but thats okay

fear isnt wrong

show me a motherfucker who is never afraid and i'll show you a maniac.

ive got a full month to get used to fucking someone up

and hopefully thats enough

i need cheerleaders

and sleep

but after thinking about the fight and

my conversation with ashley

theres the "floating on butterflies" feel

and the dropping stomach

not to mention the fact i feel like i would sell out nat in a second for ash

damn, im fucked up.

broken toys with broken toys.

wow

That talk was beautiful.
She said almost nothing but that's okay.

No one can hurt me like you can.

-xo

wow

That talk was beautiful.
She said almost nothing but that's okay.

No one can hurt me like you can.

-xo

you know it, I know it, now how do we really feel?

Yesterday I fot into a fight with the person who means most to me in the world.


You are the source of my bottled sunlight.

What will happen if push comes to shove? You say "leave."
I will dissapear because you need to smile.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Not even in the most bizzare or fucked up manners.

-xo

I get the feeling you think I'm an asshole

It took:
a beating
a weeks worth of ignoring me
a virginity
and an hours long talk that was balls deep

The epiphany I reached?
I won't love for a while.

I can care.
I can get angry.
Offended. Proud. Amused. Disturbed.
But every single thought is of you.

These days of exercise
Those hours of sex
The steamy make-out sessions with bad intentions...

It's amazing how a single memory can knock you flat on your ass.

The fist heads towards me and I remember you saying you'd never want me hurt. So I step into it, I get cut and bleed, then haymaker that motherfuckers jaw.

Spit on the ground and walk away.

Every thought is of you.

-xo

you don't wanna be doing that

Amazing day man.

Wong-sam and I are training insanely for Fight Club, it's gonna be fucking awesome.
Some 360 and love life talk, true bond time.

Walk to McDonalds with aforementioned homie and Chinh to get a ride to Ihop and spend a half hour trying to get everyone together, end up spending all my cash on the new lady and Wong-sam cause both those bitches is broke.

They now owe me food.

Bernie's metal death trap fucks up so we barely make it to Juan's, end up walking to my place with Nat on my fucking back cause she can't walk 5 blocks. Ludacris.

Got here.
Chilled.
Video games.
First sex.
Awesome.

Coolest/most awkward part of the night was Katrina taking nat to her house.
Least cool part: being forced to walk home from the gas station
Pet peeve: one word responses to ANY question.

p.s I still miss you but if you won't talk I won't force you. Guess our friendship is over?

bad idea

I sat through Nicak and Norah's Infinite Playlist and couldn't stop thinking about you.

If we were still together we'd have made a year.

You'd have stayed over tonight and we'd have hung out tons. There would've been hugs and kisses up the ass.

No one can replace you.
I miss you, so much.

Something tells me the new phone will end it all.

fuck

every time we talk i want you even more.

fuck you fuck you fuck you for hurting me again.

-xo

rock bottom is a great place to start

so today was a chill ass day

amazing about sums it up, except for the part when i got FUCKED UP

so gonna scar.

no one can say i dont invest my heart into what matters

so its not love but that isnt to say its not real

im bringing apathy to a fucking science

wearing my contempt like it is a fucking black eye

it doesnt hurt anymore.

-xo

first post

now ive got another place to rant my mouth, oh man this is gonna be bad.

i want to share a revelation i just had.

ash and i arent on the best terms but fine

everytime we talk the love comes back

and she says some shit to slap it right the fuck down

sex is one of the very few adult things im capable of doing

ironically it is also only thing that leaves me feeling like a little kid.

-xo